2/1/2024 0 Comments Still in love with ex![]() We both laugh, which suddenly makes me cry, too. “It’s just really dusty in this … this ketchup is really spicy,” he says, gesturing to the untouched food between us. “We were really in love.” He says it like it’s a newsflash. Through all of it -” he clears his throat. Some were from our best days in college some were during the bad ones, long distance. He nods, waves his hand in the air as if to do away with any small talk. He always did the breaking up, three times over eight years. “Can you believe it’s been 12 years since we last saw each other?” he asks. I shake my head and sit on my hands in hopes they’ll stop shaking. He smiles, and I see the boy I loved in the man across from me. I wonder what he notices in me - new lines around my mouth and eyes? He reaches across the table for my hands. He is almost 40 now and has a few gray hairs to prove it. I let myself really look at him for the first time. It is loud and crowded and smells like grease and cleaning supplies. It would just worry him.” I chose a McDonald’s five towns away from where I live to avoid running into anyone I know. “Did you tell your wife about it, then?” Where does the history go when the relationship ends? I nod as I try to dab my glistening forehead with my sleeve. After that, we celebrated most of our big milestones at McDonald’s. He had muttered, “bullshit,” at the exact same time I had said, “I’m way hungrier than that.” So we left, took the train to a 24-hour McDonald’s, and shared big macs and milkshakes. But when we had arrived, waiting for our table, we sized up the portions: tiny, avant-garde shavings of fish, a lone carrot slice, two pieces of lettuce as either garnish or salad, it was difficult to tell. For our first Valentine’s Day together in the mid-1990’s, he tried to impress me by booking a swanky restaurant. The restaurant chain holds great significance for us. ![]() We sit, surrounded by glossy tables in the overlit McDonald’s. How many times have I imagined this meeting in the past decade? How many versions have played through my mind - the angry, the passionate, the blasé version - now that we’ve both moved on, married other people, and had kids? I know that face by heart. I look away, pretend to dig through my purse. I can feel any and all sense and rationality leaving my body. Now, I see him see me and his face lights up. And it was good and easy, for a very long time. We made it look good we made it look easy. Our backpack straps around both shoulders on a crisp day, our hands in each other’s jacket pockets as we met up briefly between classes - a kiss, a hug, a quick story. I am transported back 20 years: surrounded by Gothic architecture on our East Coast college campus. My heart is beating so fast it’s making me dizzy. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous.
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